You know it's going to be a bad day when . . .

You know it's going to be a bad day when . . . Your birthday cake collapses under the weight of the candles.

You know it's going to be a bad day when . . . Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

You know it's going to be a bad day when . . . You wake up face down on the pavement.

You know it's going to be a bad day when . . . Your car horn sticks on just as you are following a group of bikers along the motorway.

You know it's going to be a bad day when . . . You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

You know it's going to be a bad day when . . . Your twin sister forgot your birthday.

Things that happen in the work place.

Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that they will multiply instead of disappear.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.

Seeger's law. Anything in parenthesis can be ignored.

Heller's law. The first myth of management is that it exists.

When you are in it up to your ears. Keep your mouth shut!

The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start of with a large one.

Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. Consequently copies of the same important will also develop errors when given to the boss to read.

It is impossible to make anything foolproof as fools are so ingenious.

The brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working as soon as you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.

Amand's Law of Management. Everyone is always someplace else.

Scott's First Law. No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.

Boob's law. You always find something in the last place you look.

You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You're not paid enough to worry.

Politics and Government.

Taxes are not raised for the benefit of the taxed - Lazarous Long.

Pro is to con as Congress is to progress.

It's just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Always remember to pillage before you burn.

Diplomacy is the are of saying "Nice doggy", until you can a suitable rock.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you t go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.

Society and Humanity.

There are three ways to get things done.  Do it yourself, get someone else to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains. That's because the average man can see better than he can think.

Insanity is hereditary, you inherit from your kids.

Nudists are people who wear one button suits.

Having children is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any then you are unlikely to either.

If there's artificial intelligence, there's bound to be some artificial stupidity.

You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four year old.

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. Khelog Albran.

Psychiatrists say that one in four people are mentally ill. Check three friends, if they're okay then you're it.

Mr. Cole's Axiom. The sum of the intelligence on the planet is constant. Yet the population is growing.

Jone's Motto. Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Sex is not the answer, sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

Children seldom misquote you.  In fact they usually repeat word for word exactly what you shouldn't have said.

First law of Socio-Genetics. Celibacy is not hereditary.

Two can live as cheaply as four for half as long.

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

Computers and IT.

I really hate this damn machine I wish that they would sell it.  It never does quite what I want but only what I tell it.

Micro Credo. Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.

Masher's first law of software development. Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If it did we'd all be out of a job.

How many hardware engineers does it take to fix a light bulb? None. We'll fix it in the software.

Those who can't write, write manuals.

Famous(?) quotes.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. Khelog Albran.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. It's just that I don't want to be there when it happens - Woody Allen.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Mark Twain.

Matthew Nixon's Law. If you think that bad things happen in three's think again! There's always a fourth waiting around the corner to jump on your complacency.

Originality is the art of concealing your source. Franklin P. Jones.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.  J.P. Getty.

Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I will probably still be a dog. Sigh, there's no sign of advancement. Snoopy.

Reporter to Mahatma Gandhi. "What do you think of western civilisation?" Mahatma Gandhi to reporter. "I think it would be a good idea."

Yield to temptation . . . it will not pass your way again - Lazarus Long.

God made the idiot for practice. Then he made the school board - Mark Twain.

Too much of a good things is WONDERFUL! Mae West.

TV is chewing gum for the eyes. Frank Lloyd Wright.

You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. J. D. Sallingar.

Ahhh the French . . . (please send me any retaliation on the British or especially the Americans!)

France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." - Mark Twain

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." - General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." - Norman Schwartzkopf

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." - Marge Simpson

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" - Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right." - Rush Limbaugh

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." - Regis Philbin

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." - P.J O'Rourke (1989)

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." - John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." - Conan O'Brien

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!" - Jay Leno

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." - David Letterman

"How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him."

And finally . . .

Dyslexics of the world - untie!

Murphy's law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain just won't work.

Perkin's Postulate. The bigger they are the harder they hit.

Life is like a dog sled.  If you ain't the lead dog the scenery never changes.

All probabilities are 50% Either a thing will happen or it won't.

Osborn's Law. Variables won't, constant's aren't.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Slicks third law of the Universe. There are two kinds of dirt: the dark kind that sticks to light surfaces; and the light kind that sticks to dark surfaces.

Things are more like they used to be than they are now.

Electrical engineers do it with less resistance.

Drive defensively. Buy a tank.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side and it holds the universe together.

He's so narrow minded he can see through a key hole with both eyes.

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Show respect for age. Drink good scotch for a change.

Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.

If you don't care where you are then you aren't lost.

It may be that your whole purpose in life is to stand as a warning to others.

Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money cannot make me happy.

Hartley's First Law. You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back you've really got something.

Submit your Quotes!!!

If you have a quote that you would like to share then please drop an e-mail 
to info@hawkinge.com and I will put it on.

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