Memo: Company Computer Upgrade

There are to be a lot of changes that are going to be taking place across the board as far as the servers and personal computers in our organization go.

The goal is to remove all laptop computers by January 2004 and all desktops computers by March next year.

Instead everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.

There are many sound reasons for doing this:

1. No boot-up problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
4. No more worries about power cuts.
5. Budget savings on Upgrades unparalleled

Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

If you have any further queries, please feel free to contact the IT dept.

Computer Frustration!

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side-effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot the thing and go out with a bang,
'cause sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM
then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

The benefits of Viagra to the old

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terribly, doctor, terribly."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

Something for the Weekend?

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see", replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and ask, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men", the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy;" Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men, One for January, one for February, one for March..."

And Finally . . .

"My fellow Americans. We are confident we can win this war without a hitch."

Some people stand in the most stupid places sometimes.

Things Bill Gates doesn't want you to see part 1.

Michael Jackson releases the latest "Beatles Greatest Hits" album.

Officer Grubb was proving to be unpopular with his colleagues by not supporting the Fireman's strike.

Okay, here's some more for you to groan at!

Phone answering machine message, "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only shrink-wrap for shorts. The quack says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. But he said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, and proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Just because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."

Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad, my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round."
The other one says, "So are you, you fat git!"

Two prostitutes standing on a street corner. One says to the other, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the boobs!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

The mysteries of the Universe . . .

Why is dyslexic so hard to spell and why is abbreviation such along word.

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out."

Who was the first one who thought that the white thing that came from a hen's butt looked edible?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

Phwoooaaarrrr, look at the Tits on this!

Bellringers do it in the belfry!

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several unpromising applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.

"You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed down the two hundred and ninety five church steps. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?".

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell ..."

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

Meanwhile in the Emerald Isle . . .

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each orders a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling,"Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

An Irish Fight:
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little sod, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

Irish Cemetery:
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard."Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

Irish Miracle:
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night, and of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few junctions back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Irish Accident:
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim and said "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

Irish Predicament:
Drunk, Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin'. There's no paper on this side either."

Irish Last Request:
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She replies, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun!'"

Church Ladies and Typewriters

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences allegedly appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: -

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

8. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

9. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

10. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

11. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

12. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

13. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

14. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

15. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

16. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

17. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

18. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

19. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

20. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

21. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 P.M. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

22. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

23. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

24. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

25. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. - prayer and medication to follow.

26. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

27. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

28. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

29. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

30. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

31. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

32. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

33. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

34. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

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